Reducing Conflict 15 Circling the Narcissist

November 15, 2021

The narcissist is a type of personality that is particularly challenging in organizations. The word Narcissist comes from Greek Mythology. A young boy named Narcissus fell in love with his own image while viewing his reflection in a pool of water. 

In modern times, we see Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by an individual who has greatly exaggerated feelings of self-importance and a need for admiration. The narcissistic person has fallen in love with him or herself and has a diminished ability to empathize with the feelings of others. For the remainder of this article I will use the male pronoun for simplicity, but understand that the tendency to be a narcissist is gender-neutral.

Experts estimate that roughly 5% of the population is susceptible to narcissism. It is usually caused by a combination of factors during a child’s formative years.  For example, childhood trauma, early poor relationships, genetics, and temperament can all enhance one’s tendency toward narcissism

Impact on an Organization

In any kind of organizational structure, the narcissist poses a huge blockage to a culture of respect and trust.  This is especially true since narcissists tend to seek out positions of power where they can wield their superiority over others daily.

If you are in the unfortunate position to work for a narcissist, you are in for a very difficult ride. It is nearly impossible to cure a narcissist of the tendency to brag about how wonderful he is. Anyone who challenges his superiority will be squashed like a bug.

Keep in mind that a true narcissist does not recognize he has a problem at all. He just likes to see himself in the mirror a lot.  His feelings of superiority drive other people to distraction.

Dealing with a Narcissist

To cure an individual of narcissistic tendencies is a long and difficult path.  Usually, some professional help is the best approach if you work with (or for) a narcissist. Getting help for the person is a bit tricky. You cannot arrange for it yourself, as that would backfire. Sometimes you can get the assistance of Human Resources. Another possibility is to enlist another manager at the same or higher level.

The difficult part is to get the person to truly want to change. If the desire is not there, then no amount of professional help is going to make a difference.  To be helpful, try to indicate that there is a happier existence available long term if the person is willing to get some help.

Medication such as antidepressants or mood stabilizers can be used to treat a person who has narcissistic tendencies, but these must be prescribed by a physician as part of a treatment plan.

Another approach that can have at least some impact is to have a series of lunch and learn sessions where the entire team studies various challenging personality types. Having a public discussion of his “problem” with peers or subordinates can have a little impact in a few cases, but it is dangerous territory. A better approach will have the group study various personality disorders. Sometimes the narcissistic person will see himself in the descriptions and seek help on his own.

By no means is it a good strategy for a single individual to try to influence a narcissist to change. The ability to make a difference in this way is very remote.

Best advice

Recognize that the person has a legitimate mental disorder that he does not appreciate but does not know how to manage. Be sensitive and do not push any treatment if the person resists. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but it is worth it for the brave people who will accept treatment.

 

Free Video

Here is a 3-minute video that contains more information on how to deal with a narcissist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzHNG-N1CGM

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of four books: 1.The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals (2003), 2. Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online (2006), 3. Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind (2009), and 4. Trust in Transition: Navigating Organizational Change (2014). In addition, he has authored over 1000 articles and videos on various topics in leadership and trust. Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.

Reference:   Helpguide.org. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm)


Talent Development 15 Coaching Supervisors

November 1, 2020

Section 2.7 in the CPTD Certification program for ATD is Coaching. Section B reads, “Skill in coaching supervisors and managers on methods and approaches for supporting employee development.”

I have always had a keen interest in coaching of supervisors and managers. I believe their role is pivotal, and their situation is often challenging. Throughout my career, I spent roughly 40% of my time actually working with supervisors in groups and individually to develop and sharpen their skills.

Successful Supervisor Series

From 2016 to 2018 I wrote a series of 100 blog articles specifically aimed at creating more successful supervisors. I am sharing an index of the entire program here so you can view the topics covered. The index has a link to each article on my blog in case you may be interested in reading up on certain topics. Note: After you call up the document, you will need to click on “enable editing” at the top of the page in order to open the links below.

Use for Training

You may wish to select articles at random or as a function of your interest, or an alternative would be to view one article a day for 100 days. You could use the series as a training program for supervisors.

In that case, I recommend having periodic review sessions to have open discussion on the points that are made. There will likely be counter points to some of my ideas that apply to your situation.

Some examples relating to Employee Development

Most of this series deals with the development of the supervisors themselves, but many of the articles deal with supervisors supporting employee development. I will share links to 10 specific articles here as examples from the series:

9. Motivation

40. Engaging People

47. Coaching People on Money Problems

57. Building a High Performance Team

70. Reduce Drama

78. Trust and the Development of People

82. Trust Improves Productivity

88. Better Team Building

89. Repairing Damaged Trust

93. Creating Your Own Development Plan

I hope this information has been helpful to you. Best of luck on your journey toward outstanding Supervision and Leadership.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust. He is the author of: The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind, and Trust in Transition: Navigating Organizational Change. Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.




Narcissist Mergers

November 28, 2010

In any merger or acquisition, the characteristics of the top leaders in both organizations heavily impact the resulting merged culture. The sad truth is that in many mergers, one or both of the top players are narcissists. What it means is that the entire process from twinkle-in-the-eye to a fully integrated steady state environment will require people to “work around” the problems created at the top.

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others. The name “narcissism” was coined by Freud after Narcissus, who in Greek Mythology was a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool (Wikipedia). Narcissists have a distorted view of the world around them and see themselves as the center of the universe.

Merging organizations requires a tremendous amount of common sense and sensitivity to allow the feelings and needs of both former separate groups to see themselves operating effectively as a single unit. If one or both of the top leaders have narcissistic tendencies, common sense and sensitivity are not in the lexicon. The boss acts like a steamroller to flatten the ideas or creative suggestions of the impacted groups. The way is clear, and woe be to anybody who cannot catch the vision of the top gun. In any merger, we have two top leaders, and the dynamics of their relationship impacts the entire culture whether they are narcissists or not.

Of course, narcissism is a matter of degree. Some people have only slightly enlarged egos, while others have a major case of it. I know one individual who is an extreme narcissist. He recognizes these traits in himself, but he sees no impetus to change. Why should he? He is rich and has the life style he wants. Life is good for him, and his brash bullying behavior is part of what got him to his pinnacle of perfection. He can spend $2500 on a suit and not worry about it. He is sure that everyone is interested in his whereabouts at any moment in time. He can command a press conference any time he wants it. He is aware that he rubs people the wrong way, but it does not matter in the least to him. So why change?

One reason to change is that he is about to merge with another organization that may be run by an equally dysfunctional individual. In this case, it is best to issue everyone in both organizations flak jackets and give everyone lessons in how to write a good resume. They are going to need it soon. The progression is inevitable: it leads to mutually assured destruction.

Each “camp” will talk a good game of integration, but the battle will rage in the offices and hallways of both organizations until one leader emerges victorious and the vanquished individual slinks off to lick wounds and plot a comeback in a different fiefdom. If one narcissist and one more rational manager are paired up, then the dynamic is different. Still there will be a war, and the victor might be either individual depending on the circumstances and the strength and skill of each person. Whichever individual wins the most power will prevail, and the merger will be more of an acquisition where the victors devour the spoils of battle until there is little left of the losing culture.

If all this sounds depressing, it is. Unfortunately there is no good antidote to this condition unless and until the narcissists are made aware that they are operating at cross purposes to their long term best interest and the interest of the organization. This awakening is often the result of a total failure of the merger coupled with the ouster of the offending leader or leaders. Of course by that time, colossal damage to the business has occurred, and all that can be done is some kind of salvage operation to disposition the remains.

A different, but risky, outcome is for people in the organization to see the warning signs and conduct a kind of coup. Granted, this is rarely done, but I have seen it happen where a top manager was being a total bully until one brave individual closed the office door, pointed a finger at his nose and said, “Just who do you think you are? You have no right to talk to people like that. The only difference between you and God is that God does not think He is you.” That was a significant emotional event for the leader, and it actually worked to wake up the man. After that, he was much less of a bully.

The individual calling out the narcissist boss in the above example took a huge risk. In many cases, candor like that would be immediately followed by a pink slip. Before taking such a risk, one would have to be convinced there is no other way out and have alternate plans in place in case the input is rejected along with the individual. A less dramatic idea is to suggest some form of group learning, such as a lunch hour book review process, or diagonal-slice improvement team. Get the boss to not only allow such growth but be first to suggest a book to review. Reason: if the boss has first dibs at a book, it will be one of his or her favorites. This will have the boss ease into a mode of group growth with some degree of safety.

Another idea associated with weekly growth meetings is to have a “buddy” system where individuals pair up for feedback on the material read for that week. The idea is to have a “safe” environment for both individuals. The pledge ahead of time is that coaching coming from a buddy, regardless of the hierarchy position, will cause no retaliation. Once the boss has taken the pledge publicly, it is harder to decapitate the buddy for being candid.

A third idea is to bring in some help to teach the leadership team how to go about building trust during the merger. It is important to not single out one or two offending managers who need remedial centering. The entire team needs to consider behavioral changes that will lead to greater levels of trust in all layers. A skilled facilitator can help the group move to a different place, and that may include the ability to be more candid with the narcissist in safety. The reason an outsider works is because the individuals responsible for carrying out the merger are the ones responsible for the low trust situation. An outsider can be more objective and bring in Organization Development tools that can soften the silo walls and help people see themselves more accurately.

It is fascinating to watch the dynamics of mergers and how they unfold over time. If you are inside the merged organization, it can be frightening. The real scare for the organization is that while these power games are being played, the customer focus and other competitive advantages are being compromised daily, which may prove fatal to the business. The best advice is to assess the power situation at the top before the merger and create some kind of support system so the leaders really want to work in a cooperative spirit. If they model integration and self sacrifice from the first day, it is possible for people within both groups to pick up the integrated vision.