Reducing Conflict 85 Cordial Hypocrisy

March 19, 2023

One factor that causes a lot of conflict in this world is the concept of cordial hypocrisy. That term may not be familiar to you, so let me explain.  Some people come across as two-faced. They are all smiles and compliments when a person is present.  When the person goes away, they turn sinister and spout out all kinds of negative things.

There are varying degrees of cordial hypocrisy, but they all tend to undermine a culture of trust. They lead to hard feelings and conflict within groups. How can you eliminate this type of hurtful behavior in your organization?

Steps you can take to exterminate cordial hypocrisy

It is important to have a documented set of behaviors that everyone in the group has approved.  Take time with your team and brainstorm a list of behaviors that are important to model.  Make sure everyone in the group participates in the brainstorm.

Distill a list of six to ten key behaviors that have buy-in from the entire team. Make the list visible and ask everyone to commit to these behaviors. Some groups like to go to the extreme where people actually sign the document.

A good book on reducing cordial hypocrisy

Authors Seth Silver and Timothy Franz have written on this topic. In their book, Meaningful Partnership at Work, they describe how to construct a “Workplace Covenant.” The Covenant is an agreement among the team and the leader. It is the basis for reducing cordial hypocrisy and other bad habits. The book describes a tested process for improving accountability in any organization.

Why the technique works

The practice of documenting expected behaviors gives a template for people to hold each other accountable.  If someone slips and starts to display cordial hypocrisy, there is a cure. Someone else can gently remind that person that “we are not doing that anymore.” Since everyone in the group has already agreed upon the behavior, the problem is quickly squashed.

One precaution

If your team has gone to the trouble of constructing a set of expected behaviors, you must enforce them, or they will fade quickly. Have frequent reminders in group meetings and reinforce those who call out violations.  Doing this will ensure the rules have staying power and will be useful for the future. 

Remember to add the expected behavior list to the onboarding process for new employees. You may want to have a new employee sign the behavior list to ensure understanding.

What if someone ignores the rules?

At first, there may be some testing of whether the rules are really enforced by the group. It is essential that everyone shares unanimity with enforcement. If someone is allowed to ignore one of the behaviors without a consequence, you must fix that quickly.

Summary

You can control the practice of cordial hypocrisy and other negative habits by creating a charter of behaviors. Enforce these behaviors or they will lose their impact over time.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 


Building Higher Trust 116 Trust is a Marathon

March 16, 2023

Building trust between people is a never-ending process.  There is no finish line.  Managers who attempt to build higher trust with short-term programs or gimmicks are usually disappointed in the end.

Trust between people is similar to the concept of love.  You never stop investing in the relationship.  Recognize there will be times of setbacks, so you want to have as much trust equity to draw on as possible.

The marathon has no finish line

The concept of a race with no finish line is difficult to imagine, but that is exactly what is going on with trust. When we engage in building a relationship of trust, we keep putting one foot in front of the other forever. This process sounds exhausting until you realize the benefits you accrue all along the route.

Benefits of the marathon

I will list a few of the benefits you gain when investing in higher trust with another person. A full list is impossible because it is really infinite. Let’s take a look at some of the obvious benefits.

  1. Better communication. When you have a relationship of trust, you do not need to encode your messages with spin. You can be your authentic self and know your messages are not only heard but understood. If there is any doubt, the other person will ask for clarification.
  2. Improved alignment. You and the other person will align in terms of the shared vision. This benefit happens naturally because you are both viewing the world through the same prism. The result is higher empowerment because there is no gap in understanding.
  3. Less tension. Both of you have the blessing of spending your time in harmonic appreciation. The world is a more joyful place to be.
  4. Support when needed. You both can feel the benefit of having someone who is on your side, no matter what is going on. That confidence is a huge blessing when things get messy.  
  5. Productivity will be higher. Several studies have shown the relationship between trust and productivity. An environment of high trust is two to five times more productive than a low trust situation. There is no time lost in bickering and no need to circle back with justifications.
  6. A real environment, with no games. In a high-trust culture, you have a strong feeling that what is unfolding in front of you is real. People are not playing games with each other.

It is easy to see why smart leaders are willing to put in the effort of the trust marathon. For one thing, life gets easier rather than more difficult. The improved culture is well worth the effort to keep running.

Conclusion

Picture the process of building and maintaining trust as a marathon. You never reach the finish line, but why would you want to? The benefits are so overwhelming, you would be a fool to take any other path.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations


Leadership Barometer 188 Taking Extra Time

March 14, 2023

There are many situations at work where taking extra time will pay off. It sounds funny to say because the scarcity of time is one of the biggest issues for all professionals. Availability of time is the root of most conflict between people.

The trick is to know when an investment of time will pay off in time saved down the road. It is up to leaders to make that judgment.  What factors should they consider as they decide?

Factors that impact when taking extra time is a wise move 

  1. Observe the current use of time. You can judge for yourself the number of occasions where people are basically spinning their wheels. They get all worked up over an issue and spend inordinate hours arguing their case.
  2. Check the alignment of activities. A large percentage of time wasted is trying to get various groups aligned. There must be a clear vision that is supported by all.  You need to have strategies in place to achieve the vision. In addition, you need agreement on the tactics and measures.
  3. Determine the level of trust. When trust is low, people spend a lot of time protecting their turf or fighting useless battles. Measure the trust in your group and see if you are satisfied. Take the extra time to improve the level of trust and it will pay off in time saved.
  4. Don’t get blinded by the busy work. Sometimes the problems come in at such a rate that they begin to stack up like cordwood. There is no time to deal with yesterday’s problem because there are three new ones today.
  5. Coach people who spread gossip and rumors. Many people spend more time spreading lies than doing their work. Identify these individuals and coach them to reduce that practice.
  6. Assess the level of teamwork. When teams display parochial views and fight over what is right, it is time to intervene. An improvement in team cooperation will translate to major savings in wasted time. If people are resistant, it is time to do some form of team building.

Identify periods of time to work on the culture 

I know many corporate situations where they are out of control with the use of time.  When I suggest that they need to go offline for some soul-searching with a good facilitator they balk. “You have no idea how busy we are here. Taking time away from the daily challenges will bury us.” With that attitude, there is little hope they can break out of the cycle that is killing them.

Carve out time 

The most productive groups have carved out at least 15% of their time to work on their culture. Doing this actually resolves the issues that make the groups inefficient.

Many groups play “whack-a-mole” with crises and problems every day. When one issue is resolved, another one pops up.  This practice goes on day after day until it actually becomes the culture.

Conclusion

To break the cycle, earmark at least a day every month to step back and take the time to make changes in a thoughtful way. Seek out a coach who is not part of the chaos and can see what is going on. Making this investment reduces the whack-a-mole problem and allows groups to function better together.

 

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of: The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.


Reducing Conflict 84 Root of Conflict

March 12, 2023

It is important to understand the root of what is causing a conflict. You must get a different view, like doing an “up scope” so submarine officers can see what is happening. In the heat of battle, it is essential to know where the enemy ships are located.

The advantage of a submarine in battle is that you cannot see the vessel with the naked eye.  The craft can maneuver in any direction without being detected.  The disadvantage is that once you have been detected electronically you are a sitting duck for an attack.

How to change the view to find the root of conflict

When individuals or groups are in heavy conflict, their focus is on destroying the opponent’s points.  It is easy to become myopic and miss the essential nature of what is going on around the conflict. You can get so caught up in the rancor that you forget the bigger picture.

It is helpful to call for a hiatus in the action to take stock of what is going on. Try some of the ideas below next time you are in severe conflict. In this article, I refer to the conflict between two people.  The ideas will also work for groups that are in conflict.

Review the facts and seek agreement

You often fight with others because there is a misunderstanding of what happened. If you take the time to sit down calmly and analyze what happened, the problem may disappear. View the problem from a different angle and check for areas of agreement. If you and the other person can agree that the problem started last week, it is a good start.

In this early discovery phase, you may run into areas of disagreement.  Set these aside and continue brainstorming for ways you can agree.  Once you have a big pile of things where you agree, then you can begin to make progress.

Upscope any areas of disagreement

Look for the underlying cause of areas where you disagree. You may uncover some areas of jealousy or some historical things that have colored the relationship. By surfacing these in an up scope, you allow progress toward a resolution. If the process is rocky and you run into repeated rancor, look for a mediator.

Obtain a neutral third party

Both people must agree that the mediator is neutral and be willing to listen to the analysis. If there is a totally closed mind, you will never reach a resolution. Keep in mind that one type of resolution calls for no “winner” or “loser.”  You simply agree to disagree on that point and move on.  It is not essential to agree on every point for you to have a good relationship with another person.

Document any resolutions to resolve the root of the conflict

If there is a truce and an end to the acrimony, feel good about it.  If any changes in perception resulted from the discussions, document them and state the new agreement. Following the steps above can make a significant reduction in the conflicts you experience.

Summary

Conflict between people is a simple fact of life. Everyone does not see the world with the same colored glasses.  Follow the steps outlined here to resolve your differences. It can enhance the quality of your life.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 


Building Higher Trust 115 Unexpected Trust

March 9, 2023

Unexpected trust is a very powerful form of trust between people.  This condition happens for a number of reasons that I will explain. The result can be a huge powerful gain in trust, especially for leaders.

What is unexpected trust?

When people have been working in a low-trust environment, they naturally expect the abuse to continue.  There is no reason to believe that a clueless manager is going to make a change. 

In reality, when most leaders are showing low trust in people, they are not even aware of it.  One cause is the false assumption that if the leader does not check up on people they will abuse the system.

Conventional remuneration schemes for organizations have historically been based on hours worked. There is a natural tendency to check that people are working as much as they report. That is called command and control.

In the conventional office setup, managers can see when people are not applying themselves to the work.  When working remotely, it requires some form of extra verification such as a tracking system.

Tracking systems lower trust

All tracking systems have ways they can be defeated or at best confused into sending false signals.  When this happens, managers are forced to verify the tracking system, and more damage is done. In these situations, both the employee and the manager are miserable. Trust takes a hit.

There were several studies done near the start of the COVID pandemic. Most of them show that unmonitored employees put in more than the expected hours.  The reverse is also true. Heavily monitored employees found ways to trick the system and worked less than expected.

There are many different techniques that can take the sting out of tracking systems. One is to simply eliminate them.

Try visibly removing a system that checks up on employees

Management could simply reiterate the expected work hours (typically 40 per week) and show trust that employees would comply. This seeming loss of control would actually result in higher levels of work performed. A manager could explain it to the crew by stating the rationale. “Since I trust you, there is no reason to continue this cumbersome checking system.” 

In addition, the quality of work would increase because people would not feel the prying eyes of the managers. The unexpected trust would be refreshing for the workers.

Unexpected trust when a new manager takes over

One convenient time to shift from heavy control to one of higher trust is when a new manager arrives. The manager can state that this is a new era in trusting the workforce to do what is right. Not only would the quantity of work increase dramatically, but the problem of turnover would go down. The quality of work would improve also.

In addition, the phenomenon of “quiet quitting” would go away because there is no longer a reason for the employee to play games.

Summary: Less control means more work

Most managers have trouble believing that lower control means more work gets done.  Once they realize the tremendous leverage they are missing, maybe conditions will change. If you cannot believe this, then try an experiment in a small group. You will see the amazing power of unexpected trust.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations


Leadership Barometer 187 Lazy Employee

March 8, 2023

Early in my career, I had an extreme example of a lazy employee.  Through some dialog with my manager, I learned a valuable lesson that stuck with me.

My role was clear

I was brought into a manufacturing department of a large company.  My job title was “Assistant Department Manager.”  That was a level between the first-line supervisors and the Department  Manager whose name was Nick.

The purpose of my position was to figure out how to get more engagement in the workforce.  I felt well prepared for this assignment, having studied Organization Development in Graduate School. I also had several assignments working with people to maximize output.

A lazy employee 

The department was pretty good overall, but there was one individual who stuck out. Jason was an inspector who worked on the shifts rotating from day to night work. The work of an inspector can get pretty boring. You basically wait for the product to be made and then measure it for compliance.

Most of the time, the product was compliant, so it would pass on to the next operation.  Jason had a habit of taking catnaps at his station when the work was not in front of him.  We tried giving him extra duties, but he was not very responsive.

Caught in the act

One morning, Nick and I were walking around the department. I spotted Jason at his station sound asleep on the job. I told Nick that we were having problems with keeping Jason engaged in the work.  He showed little initiative and either goofed off or fell asleep nearly every day.

I told Nick that we were considering firing Jason because of his low morale and general lack of attention to his job.

The moment of truth for the lazy employee and me

Nick stopped walking and squared up right in front of me.  He agreed that at the plant Jason was a slug. He brought the morale of the team down and sometimes missed defects.

Nick said, “You’re right Bob. Here at the plant Jason is a nothing. But that young man is a member of the Webster Volunteer Fire Department where I am the chief. You should see him when he steps into that building.  He is a ball of energy. He volunteers for extra duty, he stays late to clean up, he gets along with all the other guys. In that environment, Jason is a model employee even though he is a volunteer.  You tell me, Bob, who is the problem here? Is it Jason or is it you?

 Brought up short

I was forced to admit that the real issue was me.  I had failed to provide the culture and atmosphere that brought out the potential in Jason. I had a conversation with him. He shared that at the firehouse there was always some important action. At work, he was mostly sitting and waiting.  We made some changes.

We attached the inspection function to the manufacturing team. This freed Jason up to do more active work. He really liked the fast pace of the assembly line, so we tried him there.  He did extremely well, and six months later we made him a team leader. He was a different person.

From that point on, I have worked to understand that each individual is different. Each person has a key that will unlock the potential that is bottled up inside. My job as a leader is to find the key and provide it to the worker.

Stephen M.R. Covey’s book

I really appreciate Stephen M.R. Covey’s new book “Trust and Inspire.”  Stephen shows us the path to go from a “command and control” environment to one of “trust and inspire.”  Covey demonstrates the wisdom of shifting our leadership thinking so that we bring out the greatness in every individual. 

Conclusion 

I learned a valuable lesson in that exchange with Nick and saw it supported in Covey’s book.  Some people are calling it the best leadership book of the year.  I personally believe it could be the most useful leadership book of the decade.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of: The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.


Reducing Conflict 83 Wasting Time

March 5, 2023

Does wasting time cause conflict? In my leadership classes, I have the participants brainstorm the most significant sources of interpersonal conflict. Invariably, the group comes up with “wasting my time” as one of the highest contributors to conflict.

It stands to reason because time is the most precious commodity we have.  Two conditions make something precious: 1) how important it is, and 2) how scarce it is.  Time is precious because it is all we really have. Scarcity is there because we cannot get more than 24×7.

Why wasting time creates conflict

I was having a brainstorm with my team years ago and we got on the topic of time.  To a person, they decided that the time spent in routine meetings was the most significant source of frustration. It did not matter if the meeting was in-person or virtual. The frustration came from sitting there and wishing you could be doing something else.

Let’s do something about wasting time

As we discussed the situation, I pointed out that we are in control of how our time is used. We have the power to make significant inroads in our use of time together. After some discussion, we decided to use the “time out” hand signal from sports as a tool.

If a person in the group felt we were wasting time, they could make the “time out” sign. That action would call the question. It was then up to the leader of the meeting to inquire if others felt the same way. If enough people agreed, then the group would move on to another topic.

Why it worked

I set a rule that we would not put down anyone for using the time out signal. That rule set the expectation of safety where people could make their thoughts known.  It was critical that I handle each use of the tool with respect. 

At first, there was some testing within the group.  If someone would snicker at the gesture, I would remind them of the rule. It did not take long for the rule to become commonplace and part of the culture.

Establishing a new group norm

Eventually, people were able to anticipate the gesture and move ahead automatically. Also, it was a good team building exercise to respect others’ opinions.  We even got to the point where we adopted other signals to call a different question.

Another example

As a team, we agreed that we would not make jokes at the expense of others.  That is a bad habit in many teams.  The jokes are in jest, but they do damage at some level. We agreed to never make a joke at the expense of an individual on the team. 

That idea happened to be the third rule we considered. We elected to show three fingers of one hand if there was a violation.

As we used the rule, the group became more respectful of the other individuals.

Conclusion

It is up to the leader of any team to establish the ground rules.  Do not overlook the concept of a simple hand gesture as a way to communicate. In my team, it led to more efficient meetings, which ultimately resulted in less conflict.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 


Building Higher Trust 113 Every Day Trust

March 2, 2023

Every day we experience trust thousands of times, but we rarely are aware of that. Can you imagine what it would be like to have a life without trust? It is pretty hard to do. I will attempt to do it in this brief article. Trust is so ubiquitous in our lives that we don’t recognize it unless there is some kind of failure.

What is life without trust like?

Let’s take the start of a day and remove the trust to see what it would be like.  First thing, the alarm goes off. Oops, we were trusting the alarm to ring at the time we set. If the clock broke or we set it wrong, we would wake up when our bodies got tired of sleeping.

We sit up in bed and turn on the light switch. Oops, we expected the light to go on. If it does not, there could be several different causes to investigate.

We walk into the bathroom and turn on the spigot. Oops, we expected there to be plenty of water and that we could regulate the temperature to suit. We also trust that the water is safe to drink. Unless something unusual is going on, we do not test our water every day.

On and on it goes until finally, we are dressed and ready to go down for breakfast. Of course, we trusted our child to put away his matchbox car. Did he leave it on the stair for us to slip on?

Life without trust at breakfast

We grab the orange juice and have faith that it has not expired. We don’t even check unless it tastes funny. We pop in a vitamin pill without giving any thought to the actual chemicals involved. We also do not picture the person who packaged the pills.

We pour our cereal and assume it is not contaminated by bugs. We turn on the TV to catch the news and our favorite channel works. The number of times we trust at breakfast alone is in the hundreds.

Life without trust in the garage

We are now ready to go to work. We push the button and the garage door goes up automatically.  We get in the car and step on the brake. We turn on the ignition and do not think about the thousands of explosions going on under the hood.

We put the car in reverse, and the vehicle backs out slowly, just as we expected.

We get to the end of our street and step on the brake. Magically, the car stops, even though the engine is still running.

We get onto the highway and go over an overpass.  We have no compunction about this because we have no reason to suspect the car will fall into the river below.

We simply expect the other drivers to follow conventional rules and laws.  Sometimes that is a stretch, especially when it comes to speed limits.

The process is ongoing and never ends

This description was bare bones in order to get the message across in a compact form. You realize there are hundreds of other trust areas I left out.

The point is that on any given day we all experience trust thousands of times and never give it any thought unless there is a failure. If some system has a problem and fails, then we notice it for sure.

What about trust with other people?

Apart from the things and systems in our lives, we have trusting relationships with every other person we know. We have stated or implied agreements on how we will treat each other.  When a violation happens, regardless of the reason, we become upset and concerned. We seek to eliminate these annoyances in our lives. 

Sometimes the pattern of disappointment with another person reaches a state where we no longer trust the other person with anything. We assume the person will not follow through. When that happens, the relationship is pretty much doomed unless there is a kind of intervention.

Conclusion

It is impossible to live without trust. We manage trust every day of our life in thousands of ways and rarely think about it.  Trust becomes the anchor to secure the elements of our lives. Recognize and respect your relationships of trust with systems and people.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations


Leadership Barometer 186 Ubiquitous Reinforcement

March 1, 2023

Ubiquitous reinforcement should occur at all levels.

You can never overdo sincere reinforcement in an organization. The best reinforcement approach is to make it ubiquitous and continuous. The word ubiquitous comes from the Latin root, ubiqe, which means everywhere.

Reinforcement is intrinsic

When people are properly reinforced, they develop habits of doing the right things because it makes them feel good. The reinforcement becomes intrinsic. People are doing their best at all times, not just when the boss has a chance to witness it.

Of all the tools at a leader’s command, positive reinforcement is by far the most powerful. Reinforcement can be a minefield of potential problems, and many leaders, after getting burned, become reluctant to use it. By avoiding reinforcement, they ignore the most powerful correcting force available to them.

Typical reinforcement mistakes

It is sad that many attempts at positive reinforcement actually lower motivation.  You have probably experienced this yourself, either on the sending or receiving end, and it can be very frustrating.  There are four reasons why positive reinforcement can have a negative impact.

  1. Overdone Tangible Reinforcement – The overuse of trinkets, buttons, T-shirts, or stickers to reinforce every positive action gets old quickly.
  1. Insincere Reinforcing – Insincerity is transparent. When a manager says nice things about you that do not come from the heart, you know it instantly.
  1. Not Perceived as Reinforcing – What people find reinforcing is a matter of individual taste.
  1. Reinforcement Perceived as Unfair – Of all the reasons for not reinforcing well, the issue of fairness is the most common. If they reinforce Sally publicly, it makes her feel good but tends to turn off Joe and Mark, who believe they did more than she did.

That dynamic is why the “employee of the month” concept often backfires. It sets up a kind of implied competition where one person is singled out for attention. One person wins while everyone else loses. 

Ubiquitous reinforcement

If reinforcement occurs at all levels, then the culture will thrive. That culture is a social norm that encourages everyone to honestly appreciate each other and say so as often as possible.

As a leader, you want to develop this kind of atmosphere, but how?  A good place to start is with yourself.  Make sure you are practicing positive reinforcement in a way that others see and recognize.  Create an atmosphere where everyone understands and places high value on effective reinforcement.

Transform the culture 

A reinforcing culture transforms an organization from a “what’s wrong” mindset to one of “what’s right.” The quality and quantity of work increase dramatically because you have harnessed energy previously lost in bickering.   You put it into positive work toward the vision.  What an uplifting way to increase productivity! 

Don’t get discouraged if you make a mistake in reinforcing.  Sometimes you will.  It is an area of significant peril, but its power is immense.  Continually monitor your success level with reinforcement.  Talk about it openly, and work to improve the culture.  Consider every mistake a learning event for everyone, especially yourself. 

Conclusion

Let your reinforcement be joyous and spontaneous.  Let people help you make it special. Reinforcement is the most powerful elixir available to a leader.  Don’t shy away from it because it’s difficult or you’ve made mistakes in the past.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of: The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.


Reducing Conflict 82 Your Choice

February 26, 2023

The level of conflict you experience in life is your choice. I am sure that most readers would challenge that statement. Clearly, there are situations where conflict is unavoidable. This article will put the issue under a magnifying glass to understand how much control we have.

Types of conflict

The types of conflict are infinite as we are all different. It would take hundreds of volumes to describe all the situations that cause conflict in our lives. One common denominator is that conflict in your world involves you. I am not saying you are to blame, but you are definitely involved in the equation.

Your choice of how much to engage

Whether the root cause is someone being unfair or some external condition that creates friction, you are there.  If you simply choose to not be a player, you can avoid or greatly reduce the conflict in your life.

The process goes back to one of my favorite quotes.

“The quality of your life and what you can accomplish is a function of what is going on between your ears.” R.Whipple

The first question to ask yourself when you feel too much conflict is whether it is worth it.

You do not have to resolve each issue

The technique of agreeing to disagree can help reduce the conflict in your life. Just because you see a particular issue differently from me does not mean we need to fight over it.  We just have an area where we are not congruent in thought.  We can still appreciate each other and work well together on the million areas where we agree.

Make a conscious effort to set aside some areas to reduce the rancor you experience. It is a healthy habit.

What about conflict with yourself?

Self-conflict is a special case where you may not even be aware of the issue. You can get quite worked up arguing with yourself on issues.  In these cases, you may become exhausted trying to figure out the correct perspective.

We have a tendency to rationalize things as being okay when they are really unethical or dumb. Then we beat ourselves up for not having the integrity we profess.

One antidote is to become more conscious of when you are arguing with yourself.  Have a kind of “check engine” light that goes off in your head when your energy is going in the wrong direction. Make a firm decision that you will not sabotage yourself in this way.

The trick is to catch yourself in the act, then decide to stop doing it. The “check engine” light analogy is a great aid in identifying this hurtful habit.

Your choice to use the Golden Rule

When you are in active conflict with another person, try to remember the Golden Rule.  How would you like the other person to address you if the situation was reversed? Sometimes just changing the tone of voice is enough to lower the temperature.

Watch your body language.

We communicate more with our body language than we do with words. Remain calm and send signals that are consistent with that calmness with your body.  Do not point at the other person.

Try talking much softer when you are in conflict.  It may be difficult to do, but it can really lower the angst quickly when you lower your voice.  Try it and see next time you feel worked up.

Conclusion

Conflict is a part of being a human being, but we really do have a choice for much of it.  Try using some of the suggestions in this article next time you are in conflict. See if choosing to lower your stress level helps you lead a happier life.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations.