I believe that the concept of trust is like a blanket in many ways. I am writing this article on a very cold morning deep in December. A major cold wave gripping the country, makes the thought of a comforting blanket help me feel warmer.
Let’s examine some of the characteristics of a blanket and draw analogies to the concepts of trust to see where this goes. Ever since we climbed out of the womb, the ambient conditions made us uncomfortable. Our mothers would wrap us up in a blanket so we felt safe and warm.
Just like Linus’ blanket
Linus, the character from the Peanuts Cartoon Series, always had his blanket in hand to protect him whenever he needed it. Over the years we associate safety and comfort with a blanket. We can say the same for trust. The world can be a scary place at times. The warmth and comfort of a trusting relationship with another person makes it OK.
Blankets provide insulation
The chief function of a blanket is to insulate our skin from cool temperatures. Our bodies generate heat all the time, but that heat dissipates without some insulation. Similarly, the trust and affection of another person insulate us from some of the harsh realities that exist in our world.
Blankets give shelter
When we need it, a blanket can provide shelter. That is true whether you are sitting in a football bleacher or trying to sleep on the ground as a homeless person. Trust also provides shelter from emotional challenges. We can fall back on the love and affection of people we trust during dangerous or difficult times. As a blanket is a physical safety net, trust is an emotional safety net. We have support when we need it most.
Blankets can be cleaned
If a blanket becomes soiled, you can have it cleaned and restored to its original utility. We can also recover damaged trust. I have written several articles on how to heal damaged trust. Here is a recent example of how to Restore Damaged Trust.
Blankets last a long time
It is not uncommon to have a cherished blanket passed down from one generation to another. I have several blankets that I inherited from my mother when she passed away. Likewise, trust has an intrinsic value that we can pass from one relationship to another with ease. That property gives rise to the culture of trust that exists in several organizations.
A culture of trust becomes viral
When there is a bond between people in an organization or family, it can easily spread to others and become a viral phenomenon. That is one way trust is not like a blanket. A blanket is a finite piece of material. Sure, you can sew two blankets together but that does not enhance the intrinsic value the blanket represents. Actually, you would end up tripping on it. With trust, the more you have the more you can generate and enjoy more benefits.
Many of the characteristics of trust are shared with those of a blanket. One area where they are different is the ability to expand in scope. The ability to grow more trust in any organization is priceless.
Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust. He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind. Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations
Most people will have times in life when they feel shy. It is not a negative thing to exhibit some insecurity in certain situations. We all experience this. The body language of a person who is feeling shy is usually rather easy to decode.
In most cases the person will be trying to avoid being noticed. You may see a child cover her eyes or hide under a coat or blanket.
The gestures associated with being shy are easier to spot in young children than in adults. My guess is that as people mature, they develop ways of disguising insecurity and have coping mechanisms to be able to function successfully in the world.
Let’s examine some other gestures that may be operational here and see if there is a common thread.
The person may hide by stepping behind a door and peeking around the edge. Sometimes you can see a person wearing a hat pull the brim down to hide the face. The idea is to get behind or under something.
Another manifestation of being shy can be the position of the hands. A shy person will sometimes have his hands folded together and sometimes he will be moving them back and forth in front of his body. This is also a contraction movement trying to appear smaller than he actually is.
If the eyes are not covered, most likely the person is looking down and has her chin lowered as in the attached picture.
I found numerous different mouth configurations when looking at photos of shy people. There was not enough of a central theme to constitute a trend. The mouth could be open or shut. It could be symmetrical or pulled to the side. The person could be smiling or frowning, although I saw more examples of a smile than a frown. The mouth area was also frequently covered by the fingers.
What to do
You can help a shy person open up, but it can be a delicate dance, because if you come on too strong, it may be interpreted as a form of put down for the person. The best approach is to let the person know you are sincerely interested in her opinion without talking down to her.
Here is an example of an approach that is too direct. “Alice, you have not said anything in the meeting so far. We want to know what you are thinking.” A softer approach might sound like this. “Let’s hear from some of the other people to broaden our discussion.” When using this approach, avoid looking directly at the person you want to open up.
The person may feel bullied or not treated well by others. Sometimes a leader may exacerbate the situation by letting unkind remarks go unchecked. A hostile environment may be very subtle, and what seems like an innocent remark may be taken the wrong way. The best way to avoid that kind of problem is to have a rule that our team will not make jokes at the expense of other team members.
Avoid commenting on the appearance of a shy person. He wants to remain as hidden from view as possible, so calling attention to him in any way will make things worse for him. The best approach is to get him to share something and honor that with an affirming comment that is not heavy, judgmental, or insincere.
A person who tends to feel shy may do better in a one-on-one situation. You may be able to get the person to feel more confident by spending some time with him. Once you have built a strong rapport with the person, then he will be more inclined to open up when you are both with other people.
A person who is shy may also be highly sensitive. The two concepts are different but are often found in one person. A sensitive person can be a real asset, because he or she can often pick up subtle clues and give insights into how the rest of the group, or a specific person, is reacting to something.
Times of insecurity happen to all of us, and for different reasons. Learn to live through these moments and contribute your ideas as soon as possible.
This is a part in a series of articles on “Body Language” by Bob Whipple “The Trust Ambassador.”
A person who is experiencing fear may show it in several different ways with his or her body language.
In this article I will highlight the most common ways people express fear without speaking. First, we need to understand that there are an infinite number of different sources and magnitudes of fear.
You might be afraid that the rumor you heard about a layoff this month could be true. Depending on your seniority and several other factors, you could be afraid of losing your job.
On the other extreme, I may be convinced there is a thief with a gun in my apartment about to enter the room where I am trying to sleep.
The type and intensity of the body language signals will depend not only on the reason I am afraid but also my current ability to tolerate uncertainty and not show it. This spectrum of signals makes the interpretation of one’s body language signals a chancy endeavor.
As with all body language, when trying to interpret what you see, you need to take into account several factors:
1. Is there a cluster of signals that all point in the same direction? If so, that will greatly enhance a correct diagnosis
2. Is this person from a culture different from the one I am most familiar with? Although fear is a primal feeling, how it is expressed in body language can be unique to a specific culture. The likelihood of misinterpretation goes up dramatically if you are observing a person from a different culture than your own.
3. Is the observed body language as a result of a specific stimulus or is it a habitual pattern for this person?
4. If there is a specific stimulus, is the reaction immediately following the stimulus, or is there a delayed reaction?
5. Is the person picking up and mimicking another person who is making an overt signal of fear? If so, the gesture may not be genuine; it could be an imitation.
6. Is the person making an attempt to hide the emotion, or is the reaction obvious to everyone?
7. Is the person consciously attempting to look a certain way or is the reaction an unconscious and authentic gesture, at least at first?
These are the main factors that will influence the specific gesture in reaction to fear. Here are some of the common facial and body reactions to fear that we have all seen at some point.
Contorted Facial Muscles
The narrowing of the eyebrows and wrinkling of the forehead is a pretty good give away that the person is experiencing fear. You need to be careful though, because the same facial contortions are common with anger. Look for more corroborating signals.
Hands to the mouth
Usually both hands will go to the mouth when a person is experiencing high fear. It may take the form of symbolically biting the nails, or it may be to actually cover the mouth and eyes. The person is trying to disappear from sight.
Another gesture of fear is a kind of blocking motion made by outstretching the arms in front of the person with palms facing the thing being blocked. Here, the idea is to put up a figurative wall between yourself and the offending person, animal, or thing. In this gesture, the head may be lowered and shoulders raised as we cower in fear. The posture is to make yourself a smaller target.
Behind an object or blanket
Children will often express fear by hiding behind something, like a couch cushion or a blanket, then the gesture is to peek out ever-so-slightly from behind the safety of the screen. Adults often hide behind other items or excuses. If one is afraid of the outcome of an effort, the fear may be manifest in procrastination.
The mouth is usually open when a person is experiencing high fear. The idea is to give a symbolic primal scream, even if the sound is inaudible. People in fear do not look tight lipped, instead they normally will be showing their teeth.
In a business environment, be alert to less obvious, but symbolically equivalent signs of fear in a person. Reach out to determine the nature of the fear and attempt to engage the person in some dialog about it.
The verbalization of fear and the brainstorming of ways to mitigate the angst are both ways to calm the person down. Helping another person who is in mild fear regain his equilibrium is an excellent way to build rapport and trust.
Adults develop patterns to help them deal with fear in ways that may not show in overt body language. They use compensating actions, and if you can recognize these signs, you can address the underlying cause to help the person, even though no specific physical signals are evident.
This is a part in a series of articles on “Body Language” by Bob Whipple “The Trust Ambassador.”