Reducing Conflict 85 Cordial Hypocrisy

March 19, 2023

One factor that causes a lot of conflict in this world is the concept of cordial hypocrisy. That term may not be familiar to you, so let me explain.  Some people come across as two-faced. They are all smiles and compliments when a person is present.  When the person goes away, they turn sinister and spout out all kinds of negative things.

There are varying degrees of cordial hypocrisy, but they all tend to undermine a culture of trust. They lead to hard feelings and conflict within groups. How can you eliminate this type of hurtful behavior in your organization?

Steps you can take to exterminate cordial hypocrisy

It is important to have a documented set of behaviors that everyone in the group has approved.  Take time with your team and brainstorm a list of behaviors that are important to model.  Make sure everyone in the group participates in the brainstorm.

Distill a list of six to ten key behaviors that have buy-in from the entire team. Make the list visible and ask everyone to commit to these behaviors. Some groups like to go to the extreme where people actually sign the document.

A good book on reducing cordial hypocrisy

Authors Seth Silver and Timothy Franz have written on this topic. In their book, Meaningful Partnership at Work, they describe how to construct a “Workplace Covenant.” The Covenant is an agreement among the team and the leader. It is the basis for reducing cordial hypocrisy and other bad habits. The book describes a tested process for improving accountability in any organization.

Why the technique works

The practice of documenting expected behaviors gives a template for people to hold each other accountable.  If someone slips and starts to display cordial hypocrisy, there is a cure. Someone else can gently remind that person that “we are not doing that anymore.” Since everyone in the group has already agreed upon the behavior, the problem is quickly squashed.

One precaution

If your team has gone to the trouble of constructing a set of expected behaviors, you must enforce them, or they will fade quickly. Have frequent reminders in group meetings and reinforce those who call out violations.  Doing this will ensure the rules have staying power and will be useful for the future. 

Remember to add the expected behavior list to the onboarding process for new employees. You may want to have a new employee sign the behavior list to ensure understanding.

What if someone ignores the rules?

At first, there may be some testing of whether the rules are really enforced by the group. It is essential that everyone shares unanimity with enforcement. If someone is allowed to ignore one of the behaviors without a consequence, you must fix that quickly.

Summary

You can control the practice of cordial hypocrisy and other negative habits by creating a charter of behaviors. Enforce these behaviors or they will lose their impact over time.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 83 Wasting Time

March 5, 2023

Does wasting time cause conflict? In my leadership classes, I have the participants brainstorm the most significant sources of interpersonal conflict. Invariably, the group comes up with “wasting my time” as one of the highest contributors to conflict.

It stands to reason because time is the most precious commodity we have.  Two conditions make something precious: 1) how important it is, and 2) how scarce it is.  Time is precious because it is all we really have. Scarcity is there because we cannot get more than 24×7.

Why wasting time creates conflict

I was having a brainstorm with my team years ago and we got on the topic of time.  To a person, they decided that the time spent in routine meetings was the most significant source of frustration. It did not matter if the meeting was in-person or virtual. The frustration came from sitting there and wishing you could be doing something else.

Let’s do something about wasting time

As we discussed the situation, I pointed out that we are in control of how our time is used. We have the power to make significant inroads in our use of time together. After some discussion, we decided to use the “time out” hand signal from sports as a tool.

If a person in the group felt we were wasting time, they could make the “time out” sign. That action would call the question. It was then up to the leader of the meeting to inquire if others felt the same way. If enough people agreed, then the group would move on to another topic.

Why it worked

I set a rule that we would not put down anyone for using the time out signal. That rule set the expectation of safety where people could make their thoughts known.  It was critical that I handle each use of the tool with respect. 

At first, there was some testing within the group.  If someone would snicker at the gesture, I would remind them of the rule. It did not take long for the rule to become commonplace and part of the culture.

Establishing a new group norm

Eventually, people were able to anticipate the gesture and move ahead automatically. Also, it was a good team building exercise to respect others’ opinions.  We even got to the point where we adopted other signals to call a different question.

Another example

As a team, we agreed that we would not make jokes at the expense of others.  That is a bad habit in many teams.  The jokes are in jest, but they do damage at some level. We agreed to never make a joke at the expense of an individual on the team. 

That idea happened to be the third rule we considered. We elected to show three fingers of one hand if there was a violation.

As we used the rule, the group became more respectful of the other individuals.

Conclusion

It is up to the leader of any team to establish the ground rules.  Do not overlook the concept of a simple hand gesture as a way to communicate. In my team, it led to more efficient meetings, which ultimately resulted in less conflict.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 82 Your Choice

February 26, 2023

The level of conflict you experience in life is your choice. I am sure that most readers would challenge that statement. Clearly, there are situations where conflict is unavoidable. This article will put the issue under a magnifying glass to understand how much control we have.

Types of conflict

The types of conflict are infinite as we are all different. It would take hundreds of volumes to describe all the situations that cause conflict in our lives. One common denominator is that conflict in your world involves you. I am not saying you are to blame, but you are definitely involved in the equation.

Your choice of how much to engage

Whether the root cause is someone being unfair or some external condition that creates friction, you are there.  If you simply choose to not be a player, you can avoid or greatly reduce the conflict in your life.

The process goes back to one of my favorite quotes.

“The quality of your life and what you can accomplish is a function of what is going on between your ears.” R.Whipple

The first question to ask yourself when you feel too much conflict is whether it is worth it.

You do not have to resolve each issue

The technique of agreeing to disagree can help reduce the conflict in your life. Just because you see a particular issue differently from me does not mean we need to fight over it.  We just have an area where we are not congruent in thought.  We can still appreciate each other and work well together on the million areas where we agree.

Make a conscious effort to set aside some areas to reduce the rancor you experience. It is a healthy habit.

What about conflict with yourself?

Self-conflict is a special case where you may not even be aware of the issue. You can get quite worked up arguing with yourself on issues.  In these cases, you may become exhausted trying to figure out the correct perspective.

We have a tendency to rationalize things as being okay when they are really unethical or dumb. Then we beat ourselves up for not having the integrity we profess.

One antidote is to become more conscious of when you are arguing with yourself.  Have a kind of “check engine” light that goes off in your head when your energy is going in the wrong direction. Make a firm decision that you will not sabotage yourself in this way.

The trick is to catch yourself in the act, then decide to stop doing it. The “check engine” light analogy is a great aid in identifying this hurtful habit.

Your choice to use the Golden Rule

When you are in active conflict with another person, try to remember the Golden Rule.  How would you like the other person to address you if the situation was reversed? Sometimes just changing the tone of voice is enough to lower the temperature.

Watch your body language.

We communicate more with our body language than we do with words. Remain calm and send signals that are consistent with that calmness with your body.  Do not point at the other person.

Try talking much softer when you are in conflict.  It may be difficult to do, but it can really lower the angst quickly when you lower your voice.  Try it and see next time you feel worked up.

Conclusion

Conflict is a part of being a human being, but we really do have a choice for much of it.  Try using some of the suggestions in this article next time you are in conflict. See if choosing to lower your stress level helps you lead a happier life.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 81 Body Language

February 19, 2023

One way to reduce conflict between people and groups is to observe the body language. We communicate much more with our body language than we do with the words we utter. Pay attention, and you can get vital information before people boil over. 

My long history with body language

I have studied body language in the work setting since my wife bought me the book How to Read a Person Like a Book by Nierenberg and Calero in the late 1970s.  In 2020 I wrote a series of 100 articles on observations about body language. If you would like to browse the topics, here is an index with links to use. https://thetrustambassador.com/2020/11/15/body-language-100-final-thoughts-and-index/

Once you become adept at reading body language and controlling your own, you can reduce conflict in your world. We will explore some of the points to look for in this brief article.

The role of facial expression in body language

You can get most of the information you need by just observing facial expressions. Be alert for changes in expression. If a person normally has a pleasant expression but switches to a scowl after something you just said, that is a signal.

The eyebrows tell much of the story. A raised eyebrow signals skepticism while a furrowed brow indicates irritation.

Another facial feature to look for is a clenched jaw.  You can see the muscles on the side of the face start to bulge out when the other person is getting upset.  This is often accompanied by a slight reddening of the skin tone around the jaw.

Watch the hand gestures

When hand gestures switch from open hands with palms up to rigid fists, the person is getting ready for a fight. Another telltale sign is when people start pointing at each other. Again, the important thing is to look for stimulus and response.

A change is rather easy to pick up. You want to cool things down while there is still some level of control. Often a Socratic Question can get to the root of the irritation. You need to use questions with judgment to not pour gasoline on the flame.

Make sure your tone of voice is calm and soothing.  If you deliver your comments with an edgy tone, you will deepen rather than reduce the conflict.

Be alert for body stiffness

When we change state to one of more irritation, we usually stiffen up our spine.  This rigidity is often accompanied with some arm gestures like folding of the arms.  When you see this kind of change, you should suspect something negative is happening with the person.

These are the common changes that go along with enhanced agitation

There are many other signals to look for as well. I like to view clusters of signals.  If you see many different signs that are all pointing in the same direction, you can be more sure. Look into the source of agitation, but do so in a loving and gentle way. That way you can de-escalate the conflict in that situation.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 80 The Role of Risk

February 12, 2023

What is the role of risk in our lives? Most of us were taught at an early age to do our best to avoid risk.  That is why Mom always told us never to run with scissors.

It is prudent to be aware of things that could go wrong and harm us. On the flip side, if we always take the safest path we will not get very far in life. We also won’t have much fun.

There is some balancing of risk versus reward that goes on in our subconscious nearly all the time. These thoughts usually occur subconsciously.

The role of risk is to allow more conscious decisions

In life, there are thousands of things that can work against our success, our health, and even our life. Risk is that thought pattern that alerts us to potential dangers so we can improve our batting average. We take most actions out of habit or rote. The role of risk is to ring a little bell inside our heads to think about our underlying assumptions.

An example of risk

Alphabet, Google’s parent company, recently announced it would lay off 12,000 employees. Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google, had to try to explain the inability to predict a slowdown after unprecedented growth in 2021. In a recent article in Inc. Magazine, the explanation was as follows:

“How is it possible that the CEO of a trillion-dollar company wasn’t able to foresee that economic trends born of a global pandemic weren’t likely to continue once people, you know, started going outside again? I mean, all he would have had to do is type ‘will the pandemic economic growth continue?’ into Google’s search field, and he would have seen that most economists were predicting more than a year ago that growth was slowing.”

The ability to see around corners

Colin Powell had a nice way of expressing how to deal with risk in hiring people. In his article, 18 Leadership Lessons he wrote the following description.

“Powell’s Rules for Picking People: Look for intelligence and judgment, and most critically, a capacity to anticipate, to see around corners.”

The secret sauce here is to raise assumptions to a higher conscious level. Know when there is a risk in front of you.

 Keep an eye on shifting momentum

When trying to anticipate risk think not about what you can see and focus on what you cannot see.  It is like Wayne Gretzky’s famous quote,

“I skate to where the puck is going to be.”

To be successful at that, you need to pay attention to the forces that are acting on the puck.

Risk is unavoidable; Managing it well is genius

We are surrounded by risk all of our lives. The venue does not matter. It can be playing with other children, raising a family, managing a group, or introducing a new product.  Some people cringe because of the unknown. They fear the risk and cower over what might happen to them.  I believe that reaction takes the zest out of life.  It also abdicates responsibility.

Of course, it is foolhardy to throw caution to the wind and just go for it.  That is a formula for ultimate failure.  Rather, take the road of being curious about what might happen.  Some things are predictable, like climate change. 

The ultimate risk is to our home planet

If you have not felt the signs of caution about our environment, then you are living under a rock.  Our spaceship is changing so visibly and demonstrably that it is impossible to ignore. 

When you try to endure the extreme drought of the past years it shows ignorance. Mother Nature is sending us signals all over the planet. Recently a huge chunk of the polar ice cap broke off and became an iceberg.  If you live anywhere near water, you should be able to see the risk that is in front of you.  We already have massive flooding to contend with.  What will it be like in a decade? Move to higher ground while there is still time.

Embracing the role of risk

You can go overboard and withdraw from the world, or you can take a more pragmatic approach. Try to pay more attention to the signals that are all around you. Those factors give real clues to your future.  For leaders, it is especially important to be well informed not only about current conditions but also momentum. Spend energy reading and discussing future trends so you can see where the puck will be.

Conclusion

The information in this article is about awareness.  Life is not a random walk around the park. The trick is to not panic with every prognostication, but be aware of the potential of each one.  Information is the remedy that you use to harness the power of risk.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 79 Document Behaviors

February 5, 2023

At the start of all my leadership classes, I test for agreement and document behaviors for the class. The exercise is not that profound, but it does help to document behaviors expected at the start of every class.

Here is how I document behaviors for all my classes

I have a slide with six icons and a short phrase associated with each one. I ask the class if we are all willing to abide by the behaviors. I call these behaviors the “ground rules” for the class. 

A positive attitude

Everyone in the class is investing something in this training. It makes sense to have all participants fully invested in getting the most out of the experience. I always ask what each person expects to gain from the course. I want to know why they are here. 

If someone says “I am here because my boss told me to come,” that is cause for a side conversation.

Psychological Safety

This behavior is that I expect each person in the class to share their true feelings without having to worry about any retribution. In some groups, that principle is easy to adopt.  In others, people are fearful that when they say something that seems contrary, they will pay for it.

Since psychological safety is a precursor for real trust, this behavior is key to all my leadership training.

No jokes at the expense of others

This principle is very important, and it is often left out of standard documented behaviors. It seems simple enough; no person likes to be the butt of jokes. However, in the flow of conversation, sometimes the temptation is so strong people forget the rule. 

Let’s share an example from an online class to illustrate. Margaret has just shared an insightful comment about the benefits program in her organization.  Instead of hearing praise for her point, Margaret hears a different message from Jake.  “Good point, Margaret, too bad we always get the message first from your cat.”

The barb was meant in jest, and Jake can apologize later, but the damage has been done.

Keep confidential information protected

If people feel their remarks are going to get back to superiors, they will clam up. It is like the old Las Vegas Rule; what happens in the classroom stays in the classroom.

People can say they agree with the rule. Unless the facilitator reinforces the behavior appropriately, people will doubt it is actually true.

Be punctual

This is a difficult behavior to reinforce unless you have made a specific point about it.  Time spent in the classroom is an investment. If some people do not respect the time of others, then the value of the invested time decreases.

I always remind the group a couple of times along the way that they have committed to punctuality. That is generally enough reinforcement to discourage people from abusing time.

I do not chastise people for arriving late from a break or something. That practice would violate the prior behavior of no jokes. Life happens for all of us, and you need to support people.  If there is flagrant abuse, then a side discussion may help. People are people, and they are not exempt from personal emergencies just because they are in a class.

Remain alert

This behavior is a shared responsibility. As the facilitator, I need to keep the program lively and engaging. I try to have my content interspersed with experiential activities so people do not check out. My goal is to have something engaging and experiential at least every 15 minutes.

I use a number of techniques to keep people alert.  Here are a few of the ones that I use most often.

  1. Role plays – where people work in small groups on a problem where they are put in a difficult situation.
  2. Videos – some humorous, but all insightful that break up the time.
  3. Polls – where people vote on how they think about an issue.
  4. Magic illusions – that reflect the content we are reviewing, but that engage the mind in a very different way. People often comment that they just cannot figure out how I am doing that.
  5. Tug of wars – where one group argues for one side of the issue and the other argues for the opposite view. I often reverse the roles, mid-stream, to make things more fun.

The key to these experiential activities is to have some brief time to reflect on any observations or learning that occurred. Then, people are alert and ready to go back to the content.

Summary

This paper described the process I use to keep my leadership classes fun and light. It also optimizes the learning experience for each participant.

 

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 78 Didn’t You Read My Email?

January 29, 2023

When someone says, “Didn’t you read my email?”  there can be many reasons for it. Many times it is the fault of the sender. In this article, I will describe the typical reasons why conflict arises from poor email communication.

Poor communication is the #1 complaint in most employee satisfaction surveys. Habitually, communication has been a major source of conflict in organizations.  Even though communication tools have morphed into all kinds of wonderful remote technologies, the problem is still there. It is even worse today. Many people tend to rely too much on electronic means to communicate information.

The sad truth is that many people put information in an e-mail and honestly believe they have communicated to others. Let’s examine some of the reasons this opinion is incorrect.

People rarely read long and complex e-mails

Managers who put out long emails believe that the employees read every word and absorb all the points.  Hogwash!  If it takes more than about 30 seconds to read a note, most people will only skim it for the general topic.

If an email is 3 pages long, I suspect not 1 in 10 people are going to internalize the meaning. In fact, when most people open a note, they quickly scan to the bottom to see how long it is. If the text goes “over the horizon” beyond the first page, they close the note. They will either delete the note without reading it or leave it in the inbox for a more convenient time.

Naturally, a more convenient time does not surface, so the note is allowed to mold in the inbox. Eventually, it is thrown out in some kind of purge when the stench becomes too much to bear.

You must augment email messages with verbal enhancements

The written email should contain simply an outline of the salient points.  Reinforce the key points in other forms of communication.  Use other remote or face-to-face methods. This would also include the opportunity for personal involvement or at least dialog, so people can ponder the meaning and impact. Questions for clarification will enhance understanding.

Give people the opportunity to absorb your meaning fully.

Formatting is really important if you want people to read your email

E-mail notes should be as short and easy to digest as possible. Aim to have the message internalized at a glance and with only 15-30 seconds of attention. Contrast the two notes below to see which one you would understand.

Example of a poorly formatted and wordy email: 

“I wanted to inform you all that the financial trend for this quarter is not looking good. In order to meet our goals, I believe we must enhance our sales push, especially in the South East Region and in the West.  Those two regions are lagging behind at the moment, but I am sure we can catch up before the end of the quarter.  Let’s increase the advertising in the local paper so that we get more buzz about the new product. The increased exposure will help now and also in the next quarter. Advertising has a way of building up sales equity. Also, I am canceling our monthly meeting at headquarters. This decision will keep the sales force in the field as much as possible. You can give your full attention to making customer calls. I am available to travel to the regions next week if you would like to have me meet face-to-face with your customers. I look forward to celebrating a great success when we have our Fall Sales Meeting. Thank you very much for your extra effort at this critical time for our company…  Jake Alsop”

An improved format that people will read

“Let’s look forward to celebrating success at the Fall Sales Meeting.  We are currently behind the pace (particularly in the South East and Western regions).  I am asking for the following:

  • Increase newspaper advertising to improve exposure
  • Stay in the field this month; we will skip the monthly meeting
  • Request my help with customer presentations if you want it

Thanks…Jake”

People will be more likely to read and understand the second note.  When the sales force opens up the first note, they would see an unformatted block of text that is a burden to wade through. There are no paragraph breaks to give the eyes a rest between concepts. It contains several instructions amid redundant platitudes and drivel.

People can internalize the second note in a glance. It would be far more likely to produce results. Note the use of bullets eliminates wordy construction.

Summary

Use the “Golden Rule” for writing e-mails: “Write notes that you would enjoy receiving.” Utilize many different forms of communication rather than relying on just email.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 77 Positive Conflict

January 23, 2023

I believe there is such a thing as “positive conflict?” Most of the time we consider conflict as a bad thing.  Let’s examine the conditions and results when we consider the positive side of conflict.

When conflict occurs

One root of conflict is when individuals have differing opinions on a specific topic. I dig in my heels and try to prove my viewpoint is right and yours is wrong. You fire back with the same zeal supporting your opinion. There may be several people involved and we end up with group conflict. The conversation devolves into rancor where people actually fight for their opinion.

The topic of conflict is so common that we almost expect to see it every day.  Now, what if we modify the thinking process just a bit?

Positive conflict offers more opportunities for creative solutions

Set aside all the rancor and put the issues side by side. Then, we may see a third opinion that turns out to help everybody. We can turn the equation around and focus on the good things with each position. Then we enter a more constructive thought pattern.

Positive conflict starts by asking what’s right with the opposing view

It takes some courage to verbalize what is right about your opponent’s outlook, but it reduces the rancor. It might even open the door for the other person to expound on the benefits of your solution.  This kind of “role reversal” can help clear the air. Some combination of both sides might emerge as a brilliant solution. At least you are less likely to have a fistfight.

In times of remote or hybrid work arrangements, the polarization of ideas is more prevalent.  People do not always have the benefit of observing the body language of others with differing views.  That factor makes it more difficult to envision possible creative solutions or even make people want to cooperate.

The role of a mediator in creating positive conflict

Since conflict is so pervasive in our society, it really helps to have some people who are excellent mediators. These people can see the escalating conflict brewing.  It is more difficult for the proponents of each side to see conflict when they are immersed in it. They may not even be communicating face to face. When working remotely, it is easy to ignore the benefits of a more constructive dialog. The mediator steps in and asks if there might be a more helpful way to articulate the disagreement.

It is beneficial to nurture the role of a mediator and reward the people who fill it. You might find a particular individual who is outstanding in this role. It also is helpful for the entire population to witness a breakthrough as a result of keeping open minds. Once people see the benefits it is a lot easier to suggest the technique during a future tangle.

Positive conflict relies on people treating others with dignity. Team building and encouraging a culture of trust help create the right environment. People must care about other people. Sometimes they may need help feeling like they are part of the group. This is especially important when people are working remotely.

Conclusion

Human beings have a way of driving each other crazy.  If we can keep calm and recognize there are wonderful solutions, then we can use positive conflict well. Doing so not only supports the best position, it also leaves the people feeling better about each other. A happier workplace also has another big advantage: higher productivity.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 76 Peer Conflict

January 16, 2023

Peer conflict within your organization can squander the energy and creativity of your team. Nobody enjoys conflict, but often the actions of some people kindle internal battles they could avoid.

Where is energy being consumed?

Measure where the energy in your organization is consumed. Most of it may be evaporating with internal squabbles. It should be applied toward customer satisfaction or beating the competition.

Peer relationships are especially prone to conflict

Conflict among peers is particularly hurtful. People who function in parallel roles must cooperate for the organization to achieve its goals. Lower peer conflict means more resources directed at the organization’s goals.

Why does peer conflict occur, and how can we reduce it? Peers see themselves in a conflict situation from the start, especially if they report to different units.

Too much “I win, you lose” mentality

Loyalty to one’s own parochial point of view often means a built-in conflict among individuals. In the scramble for scarce resources, peers struggle to gain the lion’s share for themselves. This “I win, you lose” mentality is the fuel for the fire of peer conflict. You can improve the track record within your organization by practicing some simple concepts.

The ideas listed below are not a set of underhanded tricks or manipulation of others. Rather, these concepts help define the high road to interpersonal prowess. Following them shows your level of integrity, maturity, and moral fiber. Do these things because they are right, not to come out on top. They represent the causeway to peer cooperation.

A dozen ways to improve peer cooperation

  1. Treat your peers and superiors with respect and integrity. Often that is a challenge because you compete with them for critical resources. The best advice is to always use the golden rule.
  2. Find ways to help peers in ways they recognize. Visualize yourself walking around the office with a bundle of olive branches strapped to your back. Each day, see how many olive branches you can give away to people who would normally squabble with you.
  3. Whenever possible, be a vocal supporter of your peer’s position in meetings. If you act like an ally, it is more difficult for peers to view you as an adversary. If you think of them as the enemy, they will reciprocate.
  4. Go the extra mile to help peers solve problems. Sometimes that means taking problem people off their hands to make a fresh start in your organization. It might mean the loan of equipment or other tangible assets. Be bountiful with your assistance. Favors lead to goodwill and often result in returned favors.
  5. Bond with peers whenever possible in social settings. This is more difficult in hybrid situations. Get to know their families and their hobbies. The closer you are as friends, the more they will help you at work. The basis of politics is that “friends do things for other friends.”
  6. Often, you will negotiate with peers for resources. Establish a track record of being fair and looking for win-win opportunities. Never try to win at the other person’s expense. It will usually boomerang, and you will lose in the end.
  7. Be visible with your concessions. Demonstrate that you deal with fairness.
  8. Resist the temptation to “blow in” a peer after a mistake. It may feel good at the time, but you have made an enemy. You can never afford an enemy if it can be avoided, and it usually can. Some people go around creating enemies to satisfy their ego, their lust for conquest, or just to have fun. They don’t last very long, and they create a lot of damage for others to clean up. If a peer makes a mistake, it is a great opportunity to help him or her regain equilibrium, not a time to twist the knife. Kindness pays off.
  9. Do not engage in email battles. If a peer is less than kind in an email, respond to it with courtesy and maturity. Getting into a public food fight over some issue has no place in the adult world, yet we see it all the time. Be bigger than that.
  10. Don’t belittle, berate, or embarrass people, even if they do things to deserve it. This is a test of your maturity.
  11. When you create a political faux pas, admit it immediately and ask for forgiveness. Don’t try to hide your blunders. People who admit mistakes earn the respect of their peers. Those who try to cover up gaffs often appear duplicitous and lower their credibility.
  12. Offer help when your peer is in a crisis. We all need help from time to time, and we remember those who were gracious with their assistance.

There are hundreds of other ways to foster cooperation among your peers and superiors. They are just common sense. They reiterate the advice of the famous football coach Lou Holtz: “Do what is right.” Doing the right thing is about being authentic rather than manipulative. Sparring and counterpunches should be focused on the competition rather than on your valued teammates.

Conclusion

When peers can rise above the temptation to be parochial, it allows the greater good to happen. Reducing conflict and tension makes people enjoy their work more. It also allows them to focus more energy on activities critical to organizational health.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict, Uncategorized | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

Reducing Conflict 75 Know Your Conflict Level

January 8, 2023

Your conflict level is an interesting topic to explore. You may be experiencing conflict at a high degree and not even realize it is going on.  Additionally, you may have feelings of being inadequate or fatigued and not recognize the source of those feelings. Conversely, you may whistle a happy tune and walk on clouds outwardly, while you are seething inside.

I think someone should invent a kind of tape we could each put on our forehead.  It would turn different colors depending on the level of conflict we are experiencing.  In times of low stress and conflict, the tape would appear blue or green.  As things began to annoy us, the tape would turn orange or yellow.  In times of high conflict, the tape would turn red with rage.

The color of the patch reflects your conflict level

Any time you want to understand your emotions, all you need to do is look in the mirror. Your forehead would contain information on how you are feeling.  If you do not have such an invention, how else can you know your level of unrest?

Other ways to know your conflict level

The dilation of your pupils will be greater when you are under high stress, but you cannot track the dilation without a mirror. If your blinking rate goes way up for some reason, the likely culprit is high stress or conflict.  Unfortunately, it is difficult to monitor your blinking rate unless you devote a lot of energy to the chore.

You may be squinting and the sun is not in your eyes. It may mean you are trying to decide how much conflict you are willing to tolerate. If your eyes are super-wide-open, it is probably a sign of extreme annoyance. You have to be careful because wide-open eyes can also be a sign of surprise.

When trying to figure out a person’s mood using body language, look for clusters. One signal may mean different things when put into context. 

Check your jaw

Clenched teeth usually means that something is amiss. The stronger the clench the higher the stress. If you end up with aching teeth, check if you have been clenching all day without realizing it.

Usually, conflict between you and other people is evident by your body language.  You also need to be alert to the body language other people send you.

Watch for a change in body language another person has with you

You can gain a lot of insight by noticing a shift in body language another person exhibits toward you. For example, let’s say the other person has been using hand gestures with palms up and open. All of a sudden, you notice the hands are closed and in a fist position. Something has just happened that signals conflict with you in the other person’s mind.  

Another signal might occur with sitting position.  Let’s say the other person is sitting with legs crossed and leaning backward in a relaxed position. You bring up a delicate topic in the conversation. All of a sudden, the other person drops both feet to the floor and sits up straight. That is a sure sign of a changing condition. You have likely annoyed or created fear in the other person with your comment.

Tone of voice can also signal a change in conflict level

Suppose you are having a general conversation with another employee in the break room. The conversation is natural with no signs of a strain. You mention your support for a new policy and notice the tone of the other person immediately goes up.  Be alert that you may have crossed the line into conflict. The other employee may not agree with the new policy.

Conclusion

We do not have tape on our forehead to indicate the conflict level. We do exhibit conflict in numerous ways with our body language and tone of voice. Learn to watch for these signals in daily interactions.  You will be able to lower the conflict level in your life.

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPTD, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust.  He is the author of The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding E-Body Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind.  Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 Company and with non-profit organizations. 

Leave a Comment » | Reducing Conflict | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by trustambassador

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »